ONE MINUTE SILENCE…act of attentive listening

Analysis…

You may not be able to demystify why some people are just the way they are. Some say accept me for who I am, some say shape me, mould me, and transform me. Others say can I share some thoughts with you?

But one thing is certain, without bias, all that we will amount to be will greatly depend on how much we are able to listen to others’ contribution, assess them, refine them, augment them and position them for variety of use – fashion, teaching, footballing etc , all will require that you listen so that you won’t be lessened.

I have found that paucity can be a blessing and self-will can be pitiable. If the aim of paucity is to absorb, with expectation to listen and learn, then it’s a blessing. However, if paucity results from incompetence or confusion or lack of certitude as to what to do next, then it might be a pitiable disgrace.

It is not wrong to hold fast to beliefs, but it is wrong to be too rigid and dogmatic with it without listening to others. Mark you, others might be wrong. In fact, majority are usually not right. What you believe should be subjected to continuous check and evaluation or juxtaposed with alternatives or other people’s belief for you to know the fidelity of what you belief – whether it’s still right, tenable or whether it demands adjustment. Beliefs should be strong and what we live by, but must be amenable to accommodate better ranking.

But how do you know which is better when you don’t even care to listen to others – real tale bearing and deception I call it. Just by listening you could realize that you were not just wrong but imperfect. It is major rule of courtesy in our verbal communication.

How do you feel when you are interrupted half-way in your conversations? Unfulfilled?

Why? – because communication is a means, message is an end! Communication styles and languages all must come to the focus of messages. If the message is broken, it loses coherence and linkages and sometimes flow of thought such that it doesn’t make any sense. No matter how much words u have used, how much vocabulary or diction efforts in place, it will amount to naught without the message.

Some people fail exams because they do not listen. They do not listen to the details of the instructions, they just read. You don’t just read through instructions, you listen to instructions. Hence, from the instruction page, you must learn to listen to examiner, understand his mind, visualize his countenance and check what he is up to by listening.

You will be amazed that what you are reading is not what he meant to say, but what he meant to test. He wants to test whether you can read between the lines; whether you were in class with your memory and check how confident you are about your answers even though you know them. So the examiner comes up with all styles – fill in the gap, negative marking, multi-choice questions and particularly most stringent is the yes or no format. He’s just testing your listening, not your reading ability.

Listening is such a virtue that just by standing before and audience and pausing, it creates attention. They became quiet. Meanwhile, you are listening more and communicating less. You are listening to their countenance, response, body language, but you are communicating authority and attention. Attention makes you be in charge. However, to them, you are communicating silence, or almost nothing.

Even in prayers, we like to talk to God but don’t bother to listen to God. Even when he’s chastising you, it looks like criticism but you cannot know since you don’t listen. Whereas, the scripture records that; to anyone who cares to listen, a valid criticism is like gold to the earing. Your listening does not make the criticism/chastisement valid, it is valid already, it only permits it to work.

Some people argue a lot, and these people are customers to some business. It is said that the customer is always right. But in all honesty, sometimes, the customer may be wrong. But when he is wrong, he comes complaining, attacking your business and you cannot/may not be able to change that fact.

Now the shocker is, do you know that just by listening to their complains, some customers are just okay. All they need is your attention, listening and probably your “sorry”. Many of them don’t even expect you to fix the problem immediately, but need you to accept and recognize that there is a problem and accept the responsibility for that.

Listening is critical and important in your business success, interpersonal relations, academics and even your spiritual life. That is what I have just shown you to some extent. Listen, listen and listen real good!

ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF CONFIDENCE

ASSERTIVENESS AND SELF CONFIDENCE

Assertiveness simply refers to your ability to speak out your mind in almost all circumstances without fear of being intimidated, suppressed or silenced. For some people, assertiveness is natural (not-trained) to their personality especially the dominant people. However, it is not a natural behaviour for most people. For most people, their desire to be assertive means at least one of the following to them

§ 'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?'

§ 'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?'

§ 'How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?'

To effectively confront being bullied by highly dominant and assertive people, you may need to consider understanding their motivations and personality. Most people tend to be passive by nature, an opportunity that dominant people take to rub off their ego and downplay their confidence at any level.

Disclaimer: Dominance is not synonymous to leadership. A quick review of their differences is highlighted below

DOMINANCE	LEADERSHIP
§ Usually involves deploying people to achieve a goal without their approval	§ Is inclusive. It seeks the opinion of team members, synergises it and uses that to drive them to achieve a common goal.
§ Dominant people are usually Bullies who have a concealed, deep-seated insecurity problem	§ Leaders are secure people. They are socially aware of their strengths and weaknesses.
§ Dominant people are concerned with satisfying ego and selfish drives to get what they want, or have their way.	§ Leaders are concerned with shared responsibilities and glory for a good job
§ Usually, dominant people have no facts or evidence to justify their assertions. They are not organised	§ Leaders are better organized, equipped with facts and figures to justify their assertions

Assertiveness and self-confidence methods and techniques

• Be Factual: Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some research, and have it on hand ready to produce (and give out copies if necessary). Bullies usually fail to prepare their facts; they dominate through bluster, force and reputation. If you know and can produce facts to support or defend your position it is unlikely that the aggressor will have anything prepared in response.
• Prepare Responses: Role-play in your mind what other peoples behaviour might turn out to be. Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios that you think could unfold. Generate support from other people to defend you. The more prepared you are anticipating the behaviour, the more confident and assertive you will be.
• Questioning: You may have to prepare to prepare questions regarding other peoples argument. Dominant people are easily flawed by sincere questions that reveal facts, evidence and figures because they are never prepared for it. If the question is evaded, you may want to emphasize or re-phrase it to hit your point. Some of the questions you may need to ask include

What evidence can you advance towards this claim?

How did you arrive at that figure/conclusion?

Other questions of ‘when, what, where’ (5Ws) can bring out the facts that you have prepared already and improve your assertiveness in such circumstance.

• Practice Self Talk: Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression especially when people tend to talk you down. It takes a substantial self motivation to defeat abrasive tendencies and aggressions from people. A good strategy is to equip yourself with inspiring quotes that can lift your feeling about yourself and your esteem, print and paste on the walls or in visible places that you consistently stare in the day, and say them to yourself.
• Increase you social awareness: The more you are aware of your personality, strengths, weaknesses, abilities and deliverables, the more you will be able to resist dominant people. The only tool that validates the assertiveness of dominant people is the poor self-awareness state of the passive people. Have faith that your own abilities and style will ultimately work if you let them.
• Feel sympathy for bullies - they actually need it.
• Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in proper values and all the good things in your own natural style and self